Dark night of the soul...

I feel as if I just gambled... and lost.  I staked my old, really bad state of health in an abxi poker game; the winner's pot would have been increased health.  And I lost.  

Now my heart is messed up, I can't exert myself without cardio symptoms.  And I know this about my body:  it can't clear toxins without exercise. 

I don't even know where to start, and the pain is so bad I can't sleep.

As Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day (or something like that); and I'll think of... something.  But oh, tonight is dark and ... almost hopeless. 

I know --- I hope --- you folks will understand.  I wear my warrior's mask most of the time; it's better for those I love, and for me.  It's just, sometimes, I need to weep. 

 

Wini

Comments

Win, things will

Win,

things will improve...expect the unexpected & have all the toxin remedies at hand & take them until you start to feel better.

Blessings

CFIDSi/ME 25yrs, FMSi, IBSi, EBVi, Cpni, (insomnia - melatonin">i, GABA, tarazadone, triazolam, novocyclopine, allergy formula, 3 gm tryptophan), Natural HRT peri-M, NACi 2.5 gm, 6-07 Doxy 200 mg day pm, Azith 375 mg M/W/Fday, 1-3-08 5th pulse 1 X 375 mg 4day

CFIDSi/ME, FMSi, MCS, IBSi, EBVi, CMV, Cpni, H1, chronic insomnia, Chronic Lyme, HME, Babesia, Natural HRT-menopause, NAC 2.4 gm,Full CAP 6-2-07, all supplementsi+Iodorol, Inositol-depression, ultra Chitosan, L lysine Pulse#27 04-19-10 1gm Flagyli/day-5 days<

Hey Wini, Hang in there.  I

Hey Wini,

Hang in there.  I find it really hard when I feel like s--t to remember that the junk left in my system after the death of the CPni is the culprit.  Once I can get it, that after clearing all the dead remains of my enemy I will not only feel better but actually have taken one more little step toward being actually healthy, then I can get things back into perspective.  I started pulse #6 on Saturday, and whoa boy--Sunday was a real wake up call--OMG I'm sick,, no maybe just tired,, or too cold-no hot,, can't think,, then--oh yeah I took the first dose of flagyli (2 tabs) yesterdayEmbarassed.  I forgot to expect to feel like this truck hit me!  Yep, that's it.  Well, a nap is in order and any other kind thing I can think of to get through the next few days.  Maybe a few dozen Charcoal tabs too just to help this stuff get cleared out. 

Keeping sight of the goal to get rid of this critter helps me be more tolerant and allow myself some 'down' time.  This site is great for adding levity and empathy in just the right doses.  I'll be thinking and pulling for you.

 

DD

CAPi for CPn.

DD

Dxi:CFSi/ME;CPni;Post Polio:  On CAPi since 3/05. Azith 500mg MWF, Doxyi 200mg bidi, NACi 1200 mg bidi, Calcium Pyruvate 6GM bid, flagyli pulses,  B6, B12, Magnesium/Potasssium 2400/400 dly, Magnascent, Cholestyramine, D3 2GM dly, .

I sometimes think of

I sometimes think of scarlet o'hara too Surprised!!  Wasn't she scrabbling about in the dirt at the time, though with rude health as i remember  ...

Meanwhile at times we can only weep and sleep or even weep and not sleep .... as our bodies try to heal .... i myself have had a difficult weekend  but ironically i think these are hopefully signs of healing, .....

M.E./CFSi 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NACi and supplementsi Sept 2007. Doxyi and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.

M.E./CFSi 20 years, intermittent.  Wheldon Protocol - Started NACi and supplementsi Sept 2007. Doxyi and Roxy full dose by Dec '07.  First Flagyli pulse January 2008.  Changed to Tinii in December 2008.  Stopped CAPi in February 2009 at pulse 16.

Wini, three years ago this

Wini, three years ago this month my husband had to do the Heimlich Maneuver on me twice, I was unable to think (which may be the main difference between you and me), I was still losing physical abilities, and never expected to recover any of it. I did not necessarily hope - I only existed, read, and took my pills. It has been a long, long rough road, but so worth it. Give yourself time - it will be long. I will repeat over and over - THIS BUG NEVER GOES QUIETLY!

 

Rica PPMSi EDSSi 6.7 at beginning - now 2. Began CAPi Sept, 2004 with Rifampin 150 mg 2xd, Doxyi 100 mg 2xd, added regular pulses Jan 2005. Jan 2006 switched to Doxy, Azith, cont. flagyli total 48 pulses NC USA

3/9 Symptoms returning. Began 5 abxi protocol 5/9 Rifampin 600, Amox 1000, Doxyi 200, MWF Azith 250, flagyli 1000 daily. Began Sept 04 PPMSi EDSSi 6.7 Now good days EDSS 1 Mind, like parachute, work only when open. Charlie Chan  In for the duration.&am

Wini,  the stakes are high

Wini,  the stakes are high but you have not lost, this is how it feels when you start to win.  I know EXACTLY how you're feeling because when I first started the CAP  my reactions were so dramatic and made me feel so ill that I thought I'd condemned myself to that state of health even worse than the one I'd just left. 

Slow down and give your body time to recover, it might not seem like it now but you will get though this and forget about how awful it is.

When I was in bed almost all the time and couldn't exercise at all I found that a chi-machine helped

http://www.thechimachine.co.uk/use.htm<

 it gives you a massage and gets the lymph moving.   

Elinor ..... from England  on CAP, doxyi/roxi/tini  for ME/CFSi/lyme borreliosis, positive Cpni and borrelia. Started Aug05, stopped Jan06, started again Sept 06.

Elinor ..... from England  on CAPi, doxyi/roxi/tini  for ME/CFSi/lyme borreliosis, positive Cpni and borrelia. Started Aug05, stopped Jan06, started again Sept 06.

Cardio symptoms. (The

Cardio symptoms. (The reason I led off with this is so the topic of your post will get more notice, hopefully from the people who've experienced this on the protocol.) Wini,You haven't lost. The dr couldn't find anything wrong, so that's great. There's no test or measurement right now for killing cpni; those of us exeriencing it can 'feel' it, but can't quantify it. You're obviously 'feeling' it, which I'm sorry about. If you can't exercise, load up on water and antioxidantsi. Give yourself permission to relax. Anxiety over what you cannot control will just serve to make you crazy. Come tell us anything and we will tell you jokes, dance on the table, or do silly bird calls for you...whatever it takes to get you through this little tunnel you're in.

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.  Mohandas Gandhi

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems. Mohandas Gandhi

 I don't excerise and

 I don't excerise and haven't been able to do that for many years because of my CFSi. Every time I tried I felt  my body was breaking down not building up. It's no fun not being able to excercise if you are used to it,  but I agree with MacKintosh. I believe you are helping your body by taking it easy, not pushing yourself.

"Odhilda" CFS, not able to work or study since 1993. Mekobalamin (B12) injections 10mg x12/month.  Levothyroxine(T4). NAC 1000 mg. Started Doxycyklin 100mg 20/09-07. Roxithromycin. 20/11. Swedish is my first language.

"Odhilda" CFS, not able to work or study since 1993. Mekobalamin (B12) injections 10mg x12/month. Levothyroxine(T4). NACi 500-850. Started Doxyi Sept-07. Started Roxi Nov-07 first Metroi-pulse March-08. Swedish is my first language.

Things can look very bleak

Things can look very bleak in the beginning, go only as fast as your body can tolerate.   Cardio symptoms are not unheard of but are not usually permanent.  

You can bare your sould here, Wini... we have all been were you are so we know what you are going through.

Michèle (UK) GFAi: Wheldon CAPi 1st May 2006. Daily Doxyi, Azi MWF, metroi pulse. Zoo keeper for Ella, RRMSi, At worse EDSSi 9, 3 months later 7 now 5.5 Wheldon CAP 16th March 2006

Michèle (UK) GFAi: Wheldon CAPi 1st May 2006. Daily Doxyi, Azi MWF, metroi pulse.